Bad days happen

Isn’t it funny how we see people on Social Media and think “Wow! They have their shit together!”  But it’s an assumption we make just based off what information they allow the world to see.  It’s like a real life magic trick, an illusion.  We believe what we see.  After all, isn’t that how the media works?

I tend to feel connected to those who are real and raw.  Because those people to me are brave.  It takes a lot to let the world see your flaws.  But there is something freeing about speaking it/typing it.  It’s healing to me.  It's inspiring when I see people so brave to be willing to put themselves out there.  For the most part, it isn’t about attention, it’s about loving yourself in such a way that you don’t care what others think or believe.  It’s hoping your message reaches one person whose life could be impacted.  That “someone gets me” moment when you feel alone. 

I am real.  My friends will tell you that I am blunt and honest but caring and want to help those in need.  On Social Media, I probably look like a ray of sunshine most days and even have the perfect family.  Let me tell you, it rains here and there is nothing perfect.

I was having a great day at the beach with my family and my cousin.  My husband and I bickering about little things that we both know didn’t need to happen.  Kids splashing in the water and conquering the waves.  Quality time with my cousin that we try to do as often as possible lately.  A friend came over after and we played beer pong. (Fun fact, a few weeks ago my best friend and I got matching tattoos of our beer pong team name because we are that good) Legit a great day especially knowing it was the last regular night this police wife got to sleep in bed with her husband before he went back to nights.  Or so we thought…

You see… I suffer from anxiety.  Quitting hospitality and opening my store was a tremendous help to my mental health.  After a great day and evening, I found myself on my knees at the side of my bed crying and praying to God for my daughter and my husband after a little issue that occurred.  That crying turned into the worse panic attack I have ever had.  Ya know, the same girl who looks like she has it all together on social.  After about 10 minutes of hyperventilating and losing feeling of my body my husband called 911.  By the time they got there I didn’t even feel like I was in my body.  My BP was 180/120 and I wasn’t very alert.  Have you ever had a sternum rub or multiple ones??  I won’t wish that anyone.  I don’t remember much of it during my attack but LORD do I feel it now, the day after.  YIKES. So much for my last night to sleep soundly next to my forever before his new shifts started.  We got home at 330am from the hospital and I don’t recall how I got there.  Cameras showed I walked however lol

I survived.  Clearly as I’m typing this wishing my chest was a new one. Lol Everyone has ups and downs.  They will vary in severity as well.  But it’s how we recover from the downs and how graceful we are in the ups that define us.  I could keep this all to myself because many see a panic attack as fake or a sign of weakness.  But silence is what got me to that extreme and I’m NOT going back.  No matter how cute the paramedic was, or I thought he was the few times I tried to open my eyes and see him 😂😂

I still love myself.  I am showing myself grace.  I am still a bad ass babe who has lots to do on this earth before meeting my creator. Last night was a valley.  And I’m climbing back up with his help.  You may be in a valley right now.  You may feel stuck in that valley.  But I promise, if a broken human like me can start to crawl up to the mountain, then you can to.  Turn to Jesus.  Turn to friend.  Hell, turn to me if need be.  We are never alone despite what we are feeling.  But we have to be willing to speak out and listen if we want to crawl up out of the valley.  Today, you can take the first step.  

Moral of the story…..  Everyone battles something.  Some choose defeat while others won’t go down without a fight.