Selfishness Saved

My intention was to blog each week.  Tell you about whatever ventures or challenges happened.  But remember that time I told you I was a mom of 3 girls and a business owner?  Yaaa….. whoops, I got a little busy

I also realized that I would LOVE to plan what I write about in advance however I think I’ve decided to let go of that ambition.  It just isn’t going to happen.  I am also 100% ok with that.  Not everything is planned or perfect.  One of my dear friends who is a mentor to me once said “Present over perfection” and man did that speak to my soul.  Thank Jen T for always keeping me in check.

So I come to you today from an airplane going back home to my roots.  You see, I’m a 35 year young woman who is about to have a 16 year old daughter.  (See what I did there?)  I don’t even know where the time went or how this happened.  Ok maybe I know HOW it happened.  But you get me…  She is the reason I am alive today and God knew what he was doing when he blessed me with her at a young age.  I didn’t see it then, but I sure do now.  

I was not the best teenager.  I was often up to no good and chased anything that “felt good”.  I was selfish, immature, and just downright idiotic most times.  I was invincible!  Or so I thought.  I did have a great work ethic however.  I started working at 14 at the Dunkin Donuts down the road.  (I actually got the job behind my mothers back and that turned into lots of walking back and forth to work.) I never went unemployed since the age of 14 until I left my career of 13 years in the hospitality business last Dec.  

I worked hard, so that meant I could play hard, right?  I was the party girl.  I loved parties, clubs, alcohol, drugs, and being the life of the party.  Then waking up after only 2 hours of sleep and going back to work to repeat.  I was in clubs before I was legally allowed to (I think my mom found out about that one) and even drinking in the VIP areas so the club owners wouldn’t get caught.  I had ALL the fun, yet I still wasn’t happy with myself no matter how much I pretended.  I was ugly inside.  

I turned 18 and now I was legal to do most things I was already doing which just perpetuated all my sin behavior.  I met someone who we shall call Robert.  I thought I met my knight and shining armor.  We had fun, partied, drank, and slept very little.  I thought I found the one, while he thought he found someone with money to save him from his problems.  😂😂😂 Boy was he wrong.  I was broke lol 

Very shortly after meeting Robert and engaging in an adult relationship, I found myself, a baptized catholic, pregnant and unwed at the age of 19.  Funny story… I was TERRIFIED to tell my Pepere (grandfather) yet when he found out, his encouragement and support outweighed his disappointment.  It wasn’t all bad with Robert.  We had great laughs and fun times, but his purpose for coming into my life at that season was to save me.  Getting pregnant with Kiki changed me.  I no longer used drugs and my life was repurposed. I thought I was the person I was supposed to be.  (Spoil alert…. Not even close)

I was still selfish and didn’t realize it until legit like 6 months ago.  Yikes!  

Kiara was my savior or at least who my savior sent to me.  I truly believe I’d be 6 feet under right now if I wasn’t blessed with her when I was in that season.  I learned how quickly one could lose their friends, but I also learned an unconditional love that forever changed me, or started to.  

Before I continue, I want to be clear that I wouldn’t change my past as it had made me into the bad ass, self loving, God serving, woman I am today.  

Let’s fast forward for the sake of time here to about 16 years later.  My husband and I decided to surprise Kiara with a trip back home to NH so she can be surrounded by her old hometown friends and family.  She still has no idea as I write this that there is a surprise party happening for her tomorrow where everyone is getting together to show her love and affection for turning another year older.  I am on a plane with Kiki,  my husband, the man who stepped up and raised Kiara as his own blood, and the other little miracles that we made together.  I use miracles lightly right now as they are so bored and have asked me 174738275 times “How many more minutes??”.  

I forgot to mention, in Feb of 2016, Ben adopted Kiara legally in the court.  It was one of the most amazing moments of my life watching my daughter sign her own adoption paperwork and accepting Ben as her Daddy.  Yes you needed to know that.

Ok so here we are, 2 Heinekens deep and halfway through our flight, and what I originally planned to write out shifted so dramatically.  I was going to tell you about my journey with planning my meals out and the angel called Kroger that was sent to me.  But instead, I was raw and feel a sense of healing sharing all that ugly yet amazingness with you. 

I will now return to my cheap Spirit flight, Heineken, and snack box I just bought myself and attempt to “plan” better for my next session with you all.